


anima

by makkapitew



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, ive never written fic before sorry i dont know what im doing, subsequent chapters will not be, this first chapter is mostly dialogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 00:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9297086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makkapitew/pseuds/makkapitew
Summary: From Latin animus (“the mind, in a great variety of meanings: the rational soul in man, intellect, consciousness, will, intention, courage, spirit, sensibility, feeling, passion, pride, vehemence, wrath, etc., the breath, life, soul”), from Proto-Indo-European *h₂enh₁- (“to breathe”), closely related to animaanima f (genitive animae); first declensionsoul, spirit, life





	

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't intended to be a fic about wonderland. this chapter is mostly stage-setting for the next ones, so... there's going to be a lot of bullshit and cheating here.

“Man, you guys are really bad at this, huh?” 

Wonderland, for all its glitz and glamour, has proven itself to be a hard nut to crack. Cam scowls at the group from the floor after their latest trial, incapable of doing much else. “Did you have to throw me, at the very least?”

Magnus shrugs, catching his breath. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“It’s not like you can get any worse,” Merle chimes in. 

“I can die, and then who else is going to help you three out? Because you sure as hell aren’t getting anywhere any time soon!” 

Magnus picks Cam up, gently, a far cry from just a few minutes prior when he had launched what’s left of Cam at a target, effectively braining both it and the disembodied head. “I mean, it’s not like you were doing stellar before we got here, anyway. You’re literally just a head.”

“Again, I was screwed over. Haven’t you heard of, like, learning from other people’s mistakes? We’ve been over this.”

“I don’t even learn from my own mistakes,” Taako says. 

“Feel free to chime in any time if you have any great ideas on how we can, you know, play the system.” Merle chuckles. “You must have had some ideas while you were collecting dust back there!”

Looking agitated, Cam snaps, “How many times do I have to repeat that it’s unwinnable? I can help you not to die, but you’re on your own with the rest. And, by the way, watching you guys try and find a workaround isn’t exactly inspiring any confidence. Do you know how to beat a lich? Because, you know, I actually don’t.”

Taako hums to himself, strained as it may be from the injuries he’s still sporting. “Uh, am I allowed to phone a friend on this one?”

“Who? Angus?”

“What? No, not the kid. Just give me a minute on this one, I think I’ve got it.”

Merle looks perturbed. “You don’t think making outside calls is against the rules, do you? Like, back with Lucas’ shitty robot?”

“Who cares?” Taako takes out his stone of farspeech, stepping away from the group to have some semblance of privacy. This call might take a little explaining afterwards, all things considered. He isn’t even sure that he’ll be able to communicate with anyone else on the outside in Wonderland. “Might as well find out the hard way, am I right? Why don’t you pop open the ‘shop so we can have a little privacy?”

Turning away from the three of them, Taako tunes the stone and addresses it quietly, “Uh, hey? Kravitz? Bone-boy, you there?” 

There is a long pause, interrupted only by the sounds of Magnus setting up the pocket workshop; after a few moments, the stone comes to life. “Oh, hello. What is it, Taako?”

Lucky day, the line works. “Oh, you know. The usual. Hey, quick question. I know you know about liches, conceptually, does that include info on, say, beating one? Maybe there’s a whole Kryptonite deal?”

In his periphery, Taako spots Magnus and Merle surreptitiously peering over his shoulder, as if it’s going to help them figure out who he’s speaking to. The voice on the other side of the stone pauses for a moment, absorbing information. “Does this have to do with our last meeting? Did you discover anything new?”

Taako shrugs, to no one’s benefit but his own. “Nah, although I like that you’ve got that on your mind. These are different liches, so any information you’ve got would be great.”

A noise like papers shuffling is all that can be heard for a moment before Kravitz responds, concern in his voice. “Well, they’re not particularly easy to kill. If you manage it, they’ll still come back if you don’t destroy the phylactery—”

“Uh, what?”

He sighs. “It’s a sort of magical object that the lich binds its soul to. As long as it exists, the lich is functionally immortal.”

“Oh, great, like a Horcrux thing,” Taako mutters.

“Come again?”

“Don’t worry about it! So, we break the pill factory? What does it look like?”

Kravitz sounds uncertain as he answers, “Well, sometimes it’s powerful jewelry, while other times they go with the good old rune-covered box...”

“Sometimes?” Taako’s voice raises in both pitch and volume dubiously. He can see Magnus and Merle looking intrigued out of the corner of his eye, and he pauses to shoot them a glance. “So this puppy could theoretically be, like, an enchanted dildo?”

“Theoretically, yes, it could be an enchanted dildo. But I really doubt it. If I were there, I would be able to tell you where it was, erm, roughly—”

“Why didn’t you say so, my man? I’m allowed a plus one.”

There is a long silence at this. Taako almost thinks Kravitz hung up on him and glances back at the other three, who all pretend that they weren’t craning to listen. Then Kravitz replies, “I suppose this form of necromancy falls under my purview. Actually, if there are multiple liches—as you implied—I’m surprised I haven’t been called to deal with them already.” Voice dry, he adds, “Or maybe I was distracted.”

When a rift appears several minutes later, the three of them have relocated inside the small workshop. Merle and Magnus each take a baffled step back, now cramped in the too-small space. Kravitz steps through, looking uncertainly around and shuddering. “Yup,” he says, “That’s a lich, alright.” 

Magnus and Merle trip over themselves, spluttering violently. Magnus speaks first: “You were talking to-- Wait, when did you even get Kravitz’s number?”

Taako waves it off airily. “Remember Refuge?”

The sheepish expression that had appeared on Kravitz’s face at the initial outburst breaks as he gains some footing. “Refuge, indeed. After the three of you added on so much to your death count, Taako and I had, ah, a little chat.”

“And now he’s here to bail us out,” Taako finishes promptly. Magnus and Merle, however, are undeterred.

“Taako, this guy made me cut off Merle’s arm,” Magnus protests.

“Okay, well, did he really MAKE you do that, Magnus? The way I remember it, it wasn’t exactly pulling teeth—”

“Oh my god, how many times do I have to tell you I was saving your LIFE—”

“I’m just saying!”

“Wow, this is the last time I stick up for you—”

As the familiar argument takes off, Kravitz turns to address Taako again. A note of concern crosses his face at the elf’s appearance, however. He drops his cockney twang and speaks in hushed tones under the discussion going on behind him, “Wow. I thought we talked about this? I kind of assumed you were joking about dying before our next meeting.”

Taako laughs and indicates his blood-splattered front. “What, this? You should see the other guy. Actually, the other guy was, um, technically a piece of industrial machinery, but I did totally disintegrate some slime right before that. Point being, this is nothing. As soon as I get out of here Merle will burn a spell slot or two and I’ll be fine.” Despite Taako’s airy response, he cradles his abdomen in his hands. “Anyway, that’s where you come in, my man. You’re our compass. What do you feel?”

“Other than concern for your well-being?” Kravitz looks around, surveying the area. “This whole place feels off. You were definitely right about there being liches here, at the very least. I have no idea how you managed to get tangled up with two. One is quite bad enough already...” 

Upon seeing Cam, who is still cradled in the crook of Magnus’ arm, Kravitz stops himself. “Is that man just a head? I—Could you three do me a solid and stop getting involved in cases of necromancy for once? You’re making it really hard to close this file, you know.”

“We’re not with this guy,” Merle says, which is met with complaints by the head in question. Magnus silences Cam with a shrug of his arm.

“Okay, you know, it’s not like we’re causing these incidents. Actually, we keep finding them and solving them for you, so maybe a thank-you?” 

“I did clear your rather egregious record for you, if you’ll recall.” 

“Yeah, well, that was bullshit anyway.”

Kravitz sighs. “Bullshit or not—and I’m inclined to believe the latter—if I am going to help you I will need your cooperation.”

Reluctantly, Magnus nods. “So, what, are you going to help us kill the liches?”

“Let’s hope he’s better at dealing with liches than he is with ghosts, am I right?” Merle laughs, earning him another sigh from Kravitz.

“No. As I explained to Taako, ah, the liches are sustained by a phylactery, or more likely a pair of them, which I am going to find for you. Once they have been destroyed, the liches can be taken care of. One thing at a time, you know.”

“Right.” As Magnus speaks, he replaces Cam on the pottery wheel, to the head’s displeasure. “Well, we might as well keep going. It sure as hell isn’t in here.”

“About that.” Kravitz looks uncertain, glancing about the small workshop and out. “Where are we?”

—-

“We were wondering what was taking you so long!”

The twin elves reappear in all of their glory in the next room, framing the familiar spinning wheel. Despite being hastily caught up in the details— a process that involved a lot of vague allusions to different game shows— Kravitz is momentarily taken aback by the extravagance of the display. The female elf looks him up and down, curiously, before letting out a laugh.

“Are you three planning on adding a new member to your party after every round? And you were so put out when you had to do all four sacrifices last time!”

“The two of us were getting a little worried when Taako here decided to contact someone on the outside that we’d have to penalize you for cheating, but when we realized you were inviting a friend along!” He disappears and materializes next to Kravitz, who starts. “The more the merrier, after all!” 

“I told you so,” Merle grumbles, earning himself an elbow in the face from Taako.

“Yes, well. As the newcomer, I think it’s only fair that tall dark and handsome here go first! What do you think?” The man appears now sitting atop the wheel, looking over at his counterpart.

“Oh, absolutely. The others have a head start, after all.” She winks at Kravitz, addressing him directly. “Do I need to explain how the wheel works, darling?”

“Ah—No, I was brought up to date with the situation.”

“Perfect,” she croons. “Would you do the honors?”

For a moment, Kravitz hesitates, but as he takes a step forward the elves snap their fingers in unison and disappear. In the same instant, the wheel takes off spinning of its own accord, frames swirling into technicolor as a quiet beat plays overhead. Moments pass, and the wheel stops on a dime, one lone light above turning to illuminate the result.

“Oh, this is exciting!” The male elf reappears next to the wheel, examining it with a propped-up elbow. “It’s been a while since we’ve gotten this one, hasn’t it?”

Kravitz peers down at the large question mark painted onto the spinner. “What does that mean?”

The other elf reappears as well, one hand on Kravitz’s shoulder. “We can’t just tell you, dear! It’s a mystery. You can either choose to accept it...”

“...or go with the penalty!” her counterpart finishes.

“So, I don’t know what either option is?” Looking unimpressed, Kravitz looks between the elves and his party. “It seems like a poor choice either way, to me.”

The elf at his side laughs and pushes him lightly. The contact feels strange, but Kravitz can’t place the sensation. “Well, of course it’s not going to be something you want either way! It is a sacrifice, after all. But it’s the choice between something you know is going to be bad, and something that might not be that bad at all!”

“Alternatively, it could be much, much worse, but that’s why it’s a gamble, isn’t it?” 

“Why should he bother choosing at all? Like, what’s even the point?” Magnus interrupts. “You might as well have just put the penalty up there, if we don’t even know what it does.”

“Choice is important! We’re not making you do anything here. Regardless, let him make his choice.”

Kravitz glances at the other three, who all shrug. “Don’t look at me, bubula, I don’t know a damn thing about this game theory shit,” Taako supplies helpfully. 

Luckily, Kravitz likes bets.

“The penalty. I’ll take that. I’d rather a known evil... even one that isn’t really known, I suppose... over the mystery.”

Both elves practically jump out of their skin, the one in the massive shoulder accessories clapping her hands together and the other beaming at her. “Really! You’re full of surprises. Are you sure? There’s no taking it back now.”

“Most people go with the mystery, you know. It’s something about the word penalty that scares them off. Just ask the fifth member of your little group, wherever he is.”

“Cam?” Magnus asks. “What does he have to do with it?”

“Oh, well, he’s had the penalty before!”

“And what is that?” 

“Simple! We spin the wheel again!”

Merle laughs. “You just spin the wheel again? That’s kind of a shitty penalty, isn’t it? It’s just another choice.”

The elf in the fur smiles. “Sure, but you have to do whatever it is the wheel lands on. Oh, and it isn’t a penalty for the person who chose it. He’s done,” he adds, indicating Kravitz.

“Oh, hell. Wait, you said Cam—”

“The next in the order was Magnus, correct?” the other interrupts sweetly. “Looks like you’re up, then!”

“Wait a second!”

Yet again the elves disappear and the wheel takes off, this time accompanied by a louder refrain of music that doesn’t quite drown out the protests of the group. 

“Way to go, shithead!” Merle shouts over the din, shoving Kravitz lightly. 

“How is this my fault?” Kravitz’s voice is tinged with both vague panic and indignance.

Merle is interrupted by a distinctive crackle behind them. Kravitz turns to see Taako, who has raised the Umbra staff and is now directing a rather potent fireball square at the wheel. 

“Watch out!” he shouts, and Kravitz ducks out of the way moments before the spell collides with the platform, engulfing it in flames and charring the surface. As the wheel slows to an unsteady stop, the music cuts out overhead.

Magnus looks perturbed from the other side of the wreckage, having dragged Merle out of the way. “A little late with that warning there, buddy.”

“Well, I wasn’t just going to let it stop!”

The wonderland elves’ voices ring out, sourceless, sounding irritated. “You could have and should have let it stop, actually,” the woman snapped as the two reappear once again in front of the blaze. 

The other elf mimes wiping soot off of his shoulder. “I’m quite afraid we definitely can’t let you off the hook this time.”

As the elves speak, Magnus takes Railsplitter in hand and winds up a swing at the nearest elf, which happens to the the man in fur. Instead of violently bisecting him, the weapon passes through the man’s projected body and embeds itself in the spinner. 

He sighs. “That was pretty rude. Did you really expect that to work?” With a twist of his wrist that is mirrored in the other elf, Magnus is tossed across the room towards the door, leaving Railsplitter behind.

Before Magnus even has the chance to land, Taako is surprised by Kravitz grabbing his arm. “Pretty handsy there--” he begins, only to be cut off by Kravitz silencing him with a yank on the arm.

“Taako, this isn’t a fight you’re going to win without a clear idea of where the phylacteries are,” he says urgently. “I have some idea where they are now that we’ve been here for some time, but I can’t get all of you there.”

“Wait, you think you know where they are? And you’ve been sitting on this, my man?”

“I said that’s what I was coming for, didn’t I?”

Taako glances back at where Magnus is now standing at the back of the room, near the door, and then to Merle, before directing his attention back to Kravitz. “Can you, like, think about where it might be really hard for me there, buddy?”

“What? I mean, yes, but—”

This time, Kravitz is the one interrupted as Taako turns on his heel and sprints away from the elves, who look rather stunned, dragging Kravitz behind him by his elbow. 

“Move like you mean it, boners!” 

Kravitz doesn’t have time to digest that particular statement while he’s struggling not to fall over himself, glancing back at where Merle has now begin chasing after the two of them. As they run past Magnus, who asks them something to the tune of what the hell they’re doing, Taako digs a different wand out of his bag and points it at the doorway.

For a moment, Kravitz thinks nothing will happen, before the image of the door shifts and is replaced by that of another room, and Taako whoops a laugh. 

“Boy, I’m glad I kept this piece of shit! Garfield, eat your heart out! Go, go, go!” 

Before they pass through the portal, Kravitz glances back behind him. Other than Merle, who has managed to almost keep pace with the two of you, the rest of the chamber has fallen into an inky darkness.

And then they’re through.

**Author's Note:**

> (posts this the night before the new suffering game) ok griffin do your worst. debunk me. i dont care anymore. i can do whatever i want with this au now.
> 
> anyway uh ive never written fic before so... yup. shoutout to jax who is serving as part time creative genius, part time springboard. 
> 
> no revising we post shitty first drafts like men.


End file.
